Updated: Jul 20, 2019
How do we get through this? Can we…
How do you handle it, emotionally? Do I…
Are you worried? Are you scared? Does it make you sad?
I’ll tell you now. We get through on faith. I serve a great God. He has brought me through some mighty big storms in my life and I know that He will be with me through this as well. I was so, so angry at first. Angry at myself. How in the world could I get such a horrible virus and not know!? Then I was mad at my doctor’s; how could they not tell me about CMV?!?! Overwhelming anger.
1 child every hour is permanently disabled by CMV… 1 in 3 pregnant women will pass CMV on to their baby. It’s terrifying to know this now. To find out more about CMV you can visit this link and read about the actions being taken.
Then the grief and sadness set in. I’ve said it before but there was a period right after his diagnosis where I would just sit and hold him- and cry. I’d cry thinking that he may never know the joy of running around the yard. He may never play ball with his dad, play tag with his sisters, climb the ladder to the tree house. I may never here my sweet boy say “Mommy” and listen to him chatter away with the girls. All of these things that he “might” never do, were so real. Imagine having a child that will never be able to do what their siblings can. I think this was the point at which I resigned to give him the best chance at all of the above. I have the resources available- I will use them all!
Emotionally, I have been through the wringer. I experienced all the stages of grief honestly. A woman in our PMG support group said that it was okay to grieve, because we have lost the ideal child we thought we had. As long as after the grieving, we come to the realization that this is still our beautiful baby. He’s exactly what we prayed for; he’s healthy, he’s happy, he’s loved. We love him just the same. Maybe more than before. He has brought us joy in different way. He is definitely teaching us lessons; we’re learning to pay attention and to be present because you just never know what is around the corner.
Am I worried and scared… yes! I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know what the next test will say, what the next doctor will reveal, or what the next hurdle is. I do know that my hopes are high. I know that my heart is full.
We are so very lucky- we are surrounded by friends and family that are here to hold our hands and hug us when we just need to cry it out. They are a true blessing in our lives.
So this is my how. How do I do it? I just do. I have Faith. Hope. Trust. LOVE… and love will get you beyond these hardest of days.